Tag Archives: this is harder than I thought

Never thought I’d be at a loss for words

30 Aug

You know, it’s funny. For one reason or another I thought this blog thing would come really easy to me. I’ve done it before on a completely different topic for a while, I like to write, I like to tell long, convoluted stories about events in my life, including about weight and the changing of it. But for the last four days I’ve been trying to make myself come up with a decent post idea, and it’s like my mind recoils from the very thought of it.

Part of it, I think, is that I’m introverted in the Myers-Briggs sense, and intensely private besides. For all I share random events from my day with people at work and at home, rarely are they personal moments, or anything emotional. Almost never do they descend below the surface-level.

The issue being – and this is something I’m realizing more and more as time goes on – my weight is a far more emotional issue for me than I thought it was. I can share an embarrassing weight-related story with my roommate because she is also my best friend and knows me far, far too well, but as faceless and anonymous as the Internet is supposed to be…I’ve been seizing up at the thought of sharing anything that might strike a chord in my own breast and accidentally reveal something about the side of me I don’t tend to share without anyone, save those closest to me.

Also, the personal nature of the topics I want to discuss make it hard for me to frame them like I normally would. I typically like to tell a structured story, with a beginning and a middle and a punch line right where it’s supposed to go. The goal is to entertain, not to share. But it’s impossible, I think, for me to talk about my weight and the impact it has on my life without sharing, and that causes my brain to go all chaotic and messy and scatters my typical writing mechanisms beyond my grip. I lose track of the story I was trying to tell, veer too deep into personal waters, and don’t quite know how to bring it back again.

It’s kind of interesting, I guess, that I don’t quite know how to structure my own emotions textually speaking. I haven’t figured out how to tell them like a story, yet.

Also interesting that my heart is not quite so far removed from my stomach as I may have thought (emotional eating notwithstanding).